i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
