im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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