You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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