Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
