i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You smell like stripper and shame
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
