even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
