Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
