dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize