I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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