I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
