I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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