I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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