After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
