Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Randomize
