I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
