My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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