You can't special order awesome
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
