I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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