shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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