Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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