omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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