an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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