I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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