Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
