I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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