I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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