I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
