She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
