Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
