There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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