I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
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