Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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