i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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