My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
that may or may not have been my penis.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
