I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
