I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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