At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
