How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
