end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
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What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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