so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
