i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
