come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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