I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
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there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
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The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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