i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I want to fling myself into the sun
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
