the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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