walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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