Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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