Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We need to get me chipped asap
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i think we sleep fucked last night...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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