Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
