You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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