Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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