remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
