apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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