I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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