Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
