thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
